Thursday, April 24, 2008

Where in the world am I ??

Have you read the story in Mark 9:14-29 ?? This is the story of a boy who is possessed by an evil spirit... his dad brings him to the disciples to have them cast out the evil spirit but they can't do it. When Jesus shows up on the scene... the dad explains his son's situation to Jesus and then says the words, "if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us". Jesus answers him by saying, "IF YOU CAN", (my emphasis) "Everything is possible for him who believes." To which the dad says that craziest statement I have ever heard....

" I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief".

I can tell you that I think that is a crazy statement.... BUT that is exactly where I am sitting today. How can that be?? How can I believe... and still have unbelief?? Doesn't that sound like a contradiction??

Let's see..... right now my family is facing some very hard circumstances, financially. My husband started his own business several years back. He also maintained a regular job... one that brought home a paycheck every week. He went into a sizable amount of debt to start this business... but he brought in enough from his business to pay for the business. SO.... about a year and a half ago... the company that my husband had worked for closed down. He had been there for over 23 years. No type of payment, no retirement, no severance package.... just closed the door. We thanked God at the time for leading my husband to start this other business so that he had something to fall back on. We are still thankful. BUT... with the loss of his other full-time income.... we are really struggling to make it. After almost 2 years... it has hit it's peak. But this is not the point to my story.........


For the past two years I have trusted God about this. I have had peace about it. I have been able to find comfort in the fact that God had allowed this... and we had something to learn. BUT TODAY.... I am suddenly sitting in a pit of unbelief. I hate to admit it. I don't want to be here. I am tired of this situation. I don't know how much more I can take.... and just so you know..... I have poured this all out to my Father before I am pouring it out to you.... (for what reason... I do not really know... I don't even know most of you... maybe this isn't for you at all... but for me) But today... I just can't seem to get over it. My heart is heavier than it has been in a long time. I am so overwhelmed that I can't seem to look past the situation. I am feeling defeated and forgotten.

So I sat down this morning and pondered all of this... How can I not trust God on this ?? With all the things that I know about Him.... how can I feel this way?? So I started a list of things that I do believe... here are some of them...

I do believe that God loves me.
I do believe that God has my best interest at heart.
I do believe that God cares for my family more than I ever could.
I do believe that God can work good out of every bad thing that I allow Him to have.
I do believe that God CAN do something about this situation.
I do believe that if it is in God's will... HE will do something about this.
I do believe God is faithful.
I do believe that God takes care of His people.
I do believe that God knows my needs
I do believe that it pains God to have to watch His children hurt.
I do believe that God speaks through His Word and His people.

So I went back to a verse that God has shown me several months back. Philippians 1:18b-20...

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

When I read that back then... I knew that God was speaking it over me. I knew that what ever happened to us would be to deliver us from something that God couldn't use. Whether it be pride, materialism, or whatever.... It was FOR us... not to us. So what is my problem now?? Why can't I seem to live out on this day what He told me then?? How can I believe and have unbelief at the same time??

I will have to choose to trust God. Sometimes it is more about a choice than a feeling.

This may not be what you were hoping for today... it wasn't what I was hoping for either. I am just being real. I hope that you can handle that from me. I guess the title of my blog is more true today than the days before... I am somewhere in the middle.... not where I was.... not where God wants to take me.... not the finished product yet. BUT... I do want to go... I am putting on my shoes and I am going to start walking this out.... with my Father. I am going to walk until I hit the other side.

And just in case you are wondering... I do feel a little better.

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5 comments:

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Continue to be real...to speak your faith, whether huge or whether lacking. God can handle them both, and so can I. I appreciate your raw honesty because with the telling, you let me know that I struggle not alone. I spend most of my days just walking the "thing" through...longing for the shifting sands of change to blow through my current. Sometimes, there blows a breeze. Sometimes, I am required to wait in the stillness of what seems to be a stagnant, unmoving pause.

But God hovers close to my heart, and when I take the time to feel the whispers of his grace over me, I find the courage and the strength to continue with my steps. I pray a similar protion for you this day, Lynn.

May God move and breathe and shift your sands in his favor even now...for kingdom purpose and for
a glory that far exceeds your current.

peace~elaine

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Lynn:
I'm going to add your blog to my "blogs for the journey." If you would rather me not, then let me know.
~elaine

HIS daughter said...

Lynn,

Thank you for stopping by my blog with the encouraging post.

I'm glad I "came by" and read "your heart poured out". I know the pain you are feeling and the "why" as well!

Only your transparency is able to help others. If they are always looking for happiness and zero tribulation, I'm afraid they have the wrong faith. We know that we were not promised that.

It took me so long to undo the false teaching that if you do good, you get good stuff and if you do wrong, GOD punishes you immediately. That is not what happened in the early church for sure as believers lost their lives for HIS name's sake.

I will pray for your husband's business and for both of you. Due to our own sinful messes, my husband and I are in huge debt.
We owe the IRS this year much, much more than we anticipated.

Ironically, this is the year that my husband felt the Lord leading him to tithe. He never understood that concept and it wasn't something his Dad would think of doing.

I keep praying for GOD to give him some sign that HE is working and that tithing is worth it. However, GOD is meeting my needs and HE didn't tell me HE was going to bless my husband with money to get out of debt if he tithed.

Your situation is much different. I hope you will allow me to pray for you now:

Papa, the enemy will stop at nothing to get us to not believe you or to just doubt that you even care at all what we are going through. To think that you don't care because you haven't moved in the midst of our trials.
Oh Papa, Our Savior came "too late" to heal Lazarus, but right on time to raise him from the grave.
YOU speak and it's done. We believe that. Sometimes YOU don't show us the why or when and it's dark, Papa. Hold our hand and let us feel you there and working it out for our good and YOUR glory.
YOU alone can help our unbelief.
Do it Papa, in the mighty name of your son and our bridegroom, Jesus the one and only! Amen!

Love and blessings,
Teri

Melanie said...

Lynn,

I don't know you but I have been where you're at and will pray for you. Sometimes sharing what you're feeling allows someone else the privilege of holding your arms up when you're feeling weary from the fight not unlike Moses, Aaron and Hur. 1Tim 6:12 says faith is a fight, but it's a good one. Hang in there. Joy does come in the morning.

In Him,
Melanie

Regina said...

This situation makes me think of a verse we heard Beth Moore share during one of our Tuesday nights at your house. It was:

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Beth stressed the "l   o   n   g   i   n  g" and then told us how if we hang in there. . . one day we will be a tree of life. . . A TREE not a weed. . . a tree takes a   l  o  n  g   time to grow, but OH the shade it provides for others when it gets there.

I am convinced that God is preparing you to be that shade to others. You keep being REAL. Frankly Lynn, you are an answer to one of my hopes deferred and I thank God for you daily because I can see that longing of mine come to an end. "Real" has been a prayer of mine for longer than I care to think about. Someone to be real with and someone who is not afraid of my real. My prayer goes deeper than just one person. My longing is for the whole church. Because I believe that if we could be more real we'd break free from alot of bondage.

I'm praying for you girl and I can't wait to see God do His Thing in your life. It's going to be exciting and wonderful.
Love ya, sister!