Thursday, December 4, 2008

On the ground... with God

Well... for anyone that needs for me to be "all good"... this post isn't for you. Anyone that might have had a day when your emotions were running wild and you felt like you were in a wrestling match with God... this might sound familiar to you.

Same old stuff.... I have driven the "financial issues" into the ground here. But... somehow they haven't gone away. Obviously there is so much more that God desires for me to know about Him... we are still going to fight this same old fight. And... what a fight there has been this morning. I wish I had known in time to charge admission. That might have fixed some of my problems.

Well... we all know what time of year it is. Anyone that gets paid every two weeks on the same day that I do... knows that we are just one payday away from Christmas. There have been no extra funds to start our Christmas shopping for the children... you know... the shopping that starts with... well.... Santa. Well... I had been counting on the fact that one of my co-workers needs off this coming Saturday... and if I worked for her, I would get 12 hours overtime. Well... I received an email this morning that they aren't going to allow me to work because they are trying to prevent overtime.

Immediately the tear and sobs began. And... the fight started. Without much warning..... I tried to go back to my quiet time... I picked up my prayer journal and wrote about 5 words... before I threw it. I threw my pen down... and said to the heavens, "I am MAD at you!!" And then more sobs came. Throughout the next two hours... I felt like I was in a wrestling match. Some of our conversations went like this....

Me: "now what???... I trusted you to make it okay for me to work this coming weekend so that I could provide Christmas for my children!!"

Him: "Oh, I thought that you trusted ME as your provider?"

Me: "well, what if you don't provide what I want you to provide??"

Him: "Bow down child, I know what I am doing."

Me: "Yeah... Well, I don't think I like what you are doing!!"

Him: "Oh... I thought this was about ME liking what you are doing...."

Me: "Okay... but I AM NOT HAPPY about this!!!"

Him: "Okay... I am not concerned with your happiness, remember.... it is you holiness"

Me: "I've been handling the rest of this stuff okay... but now you are messing with my children!!"

Him: "Did you forget that you are MY child????"

Me: "what about other people???... they pray and get what they want.. I pray.... I tithe... I haven't stopped even through all of this.... and it doesn't seem to be paying off for me the way I want it to!"

Him: "submit... and it will pay off the way I want it to."

Me: "what about Brad.... I don't see him trying to do anything to fix this....."

Him: "you and I can't work on him.... just on you!" "I know what I am doing!"

Me: "yeah... well I don't like it!"

Him: "yeah, I know... you told me that already" "I love you"

I feel like I will be doing more than the Jacob-limp today. I may have to crawl wherever I go. Don't think for one minute that I believe this fight is over. I still have way too much flesh left. But I am trying.

Through this whole process that God and I have been going through... He has brought me to a place of "well... what if?" meaning.... " what if He doesn't make things better?", "what if He doesn't change the way things are?", "what if you just have to go through this WITH Him?"... I have come to the place that I know that I will serve Him and love Him no matter what happens. It is a choice. I have read throughout His Word how His plan that looks like a disaster is really a divine plan of restoration. It has been a place that was difficult to come to ... but now that I am there, it is a great place to be. Or at least I thought so, before this morning. I know God well enough to know that if He couldn't use this to grow me... and to bring me closer to Him... we wouldn't have come here. So... I think that I will just stand up and throw in the white towel. That is the sign of surrender, right??

I know that God is for me.

I know that God loves me.

I know that God wants to grow me.

I know that God has my best interest at heart.

I know that God loves my family more than I do.

I know that God could rain down the lottery on us... even though we haven't ever bought a ticket.

I know that God doesn't work the way the world does.

I know that God sees the end... while I am sitting in the middle.

I know that God is faithful.

I know that God is Good.

I know that God has a plan.

I know that God is so totally about His plan.

I know that God doesn't have to let me in on that plan.

I know that God can scoop up my little battered and bruised body and put it up on His big lap and love me back into peace.

I know that the sooner I just surrender and allow God to be God... the sooner the wrestling match will end.

God has already shown me so much love. He has sent provisions through others. He wants to be my provider... It may cause another fight between me and my pride.... but it will not be a fight between my and my God. My most recent Bible study lesson was on submission and humility. Timely huh??

Thanks so much for allowing me to work through this with all of you. Thank you so much for sticking around to the end... to despite the blood that was flying. Thankfully... the bloodshed that happened over 2000 years ago was enough to cover this too. And... we will celebrate His glorious birth... with or without a lot of gifts from Santa. God is so good. Were it not for His unfailing love and mercy... I would have already been consumed. He longs for His children to surrender. He longs for His children to just say, "okay, whatever you want Lord." And, I don't think that He requires that I like it. And I am glad. He requires my submission and my obedience.

Please do not think that this is a plea for help... I just want to share what God is doing in my life. He is Good!! I think that there are a lot of people that sit out there and think that all should be "great" if you are God's child. That if they are struggling... then there is something wrong. Well... I do not believe that scripture teaches that. I believe that life is not about the "talk" but about the "walk". I just wanted to share how God and I are walking this morning... I am limping... but we are still walking.

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Regina said...

Wow Lynn, that was powerful on so many levels. I don't even know where to begin. . .

"I know that God loves my family more than I do."

"I know that God could rain down the lottery on us... even though we haven't ever bought a ticket."

"I know that God sees the end... while I am sitting in the middle."

"I know that the sooner I just surrender and allow God to be God... the sooner the wrestling match will end."

"I believe that life is not about the "talk" but about the "walk". I just wanted to share how God and I are walking this morning... I am limping... but we are still walking."

ME TOO! Unfortunately, I think that I limp more than I walk sometimes. When, if I would just surrender, the fight would be over and we could enjoy our stroll together.

Once again thanks for sharing your "real". Because you are right, all too often christians think "that if they are struggling... then there is something wrong" when really what is going on is we are just hashing this thing out with our Lord. Which is way better than not even knowing Him as Lord at all.

I'd rather take the hard with Him any day over the easy without Him.

Love you sister, and have a
Merry CHRISTmas!

Kim@Seasons of My Heart said...

What a powerful post Lynn!!
I especially enjoyed your dialogue with it's something WE all can relate too.

I also agree..that life is about our "walk" moreso than our "talk".

You are being honest...and God can do AMAZING things with a heart like that.

Know that I'm lifting you and your situation up to our Father.

Amy said...

Lynn, I am limping right along with you. This year has found me in many a wrestling match with the Lord myself.
And what you said is SO true...Walking with the Lord is a tough road a lot of the times, but at the end of the day, it is the only way to travel, amen?;)
He is so good and so patient with us. And He loves us despite what we think, feel, or act like. I have been on my knees asking for forgiveness so many times for the nasty attitude I have had in difficult situations, only to be blown away by how God has blessed me in the midst of the difficulty. But so many times I miss the blessing, because I am too busy complaining.
Thanks for your humble honesty. The Lord will bless you for it, and you will bless so many others by sharing your heart.

Happy Holidays to you, Lynn.
God Bless,

Jill said...

Good words Lynn, wish I had more time to elaborate, but lets just say I can relate. I love your closing comment about still walking even with a limp - how true!! Blessings!

Tracy said...

Thank you for sharing this humbling, honest and powerful post. My heart goes out as I relate, my friend. Know I'm lifting you and your family both now and througout the remainder of the year.

I had come by to tell you I had tagged you. It may be the last thing you want to do, or it may provide a light moment or two.

Take care, sweet one. Keep trusting as I know you are. You're so right...the hard with Him is better anyday than the easy without Him.

Libby said...

I wanted to thank you so much so the comments on blog. It's nice to know that someone reads it and gets me. I guess in the long run, I really write it for me, it get it off my chest, out of my heart. I'm am still in quite a learning curve as far as blogging goes though. This post was amazing! I think its important for people to understand being a Christian isn't easy, it's still a struggle, EVERYDAY!! What we want, and what He wants for us don't always line up, but we have to trust that He knows best.
I look forward to having more time to go back and read some of your earlier posts to really understand where you are coming from. We talked last week at church about God putting people in your path for a reason, there's always something you can learn from someone else's walk.
Thanks again!!

Beverly said...

hmmm. wow.

Is God ever taking me on a walk with Him. Many places I'm not wanting Him to take me, but He's doing so anyway.

Thanks for sharing how you dealt with Him during this struggle you are going through.

His Word tells us to let Him know what is on our heart and boy did you do so. I tend to keep it all stuffed inside and can't seem to let it out like that.

I cry all on the inside and Him and everyone else thinks Oh she is just fine....but I'm not.

Thanks for helping me to see that I need to speak my peace to Him too!

I'm praying for you as God continues to take you down a path that you are ready to get off of and get on one that looks more like the yellow brick road with answer after answer awaiting in Emerald City.

Dorothy found her desire to be "home" and God will help you find yours "In His Time".

Love you my friend,

Yolanda said...

I haven't stopped in for awhile, since I didn't do this last study with Lelia's group. But I did want to say, I LOVE THE NEW LOOK!

Shabby Olde Potting Shed said...

Hey Lynn,

Like Regina said, I too don't know where to start other than... I am lifting you UP... and just asked God to rain down his love and blessings upon you... ~How He speaks to you and you know Him and hear Him just makes my heart soar.
Keep trusting Him... ~ Limp and all. He has this incredible way to turn a limp into a LEAP!!! ;)
Love Lea

Angela said...

Found you in blog land, but believe it was God's leading. I got teary eyed when reading your conversation with God. I started to giggle, cry, giggle, for I have said similar words. The tithing part, the being faithful part, reading His Word, and look at those who are getting blessed, and what about my hubby here Lord?

My husband has been out of work for three months now, a month ago the Dr's told my mother she had two months to live, I have two teenage sons and one tween daugther (that is enough said on that,lol). I shared with hubby on Saturday, that this was the most difficult time in our lives that we have ever experienced, but this has also been a time where I have seen God working in such mighty ways, faithful, loving, gentle, providing in amazing ways. Genesis 50:20, they intended it to harm us, but God intended it for good, to save many lives. I will leave you with what you wrote to finish off the 'novel' I've written here,,LOL.
"throughout His Word how His plan that looks like a disaster is really a divine plan of restoration. It has been a place that was difficult to come to ... but now that I am there, it is a great place to be."
amen amen amen

Anonymous said...

Wow. wow, wow, wow.
I tell you today, went I went to get the mail, and saw more bills coming it, i just about passed out.
I know! I understand!
I am so tired of the fight. I have been so fighting God on this one too.
I can hardly believe how your post echos a LOT of my journal entries!!!
Thank you for being so open and honest.
I appreciate it like you wouldn't believe.
God bless you!